So This Is How It Kills Us...

Here’s a nightmare for you. Imagine this scene –

Your radio alarm wakes you up. Chatty presenter, upbeat songs, it sets the mood perfectly as you get dressed, brush your teeth and eat your breakfast. The clock reaches 8.15 and you need to leave, so you pop your shoes on, button up your coat, and move to switch the radio off. As you reach for the button, the presenter, who until now has been back-introducing Taylor Swift and commenting on the weather, says, ‘Have a great day, Robert’. Then silence.

(Bytheway, in this scenario, your name is Robert)

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Horrendous, right? Well, according to James Cridland, this is the future.

A new form of technology means Artificial Intelligence can now synthesise new sentences from old recordings, essentially creating a ghostly radio presenter who can say different things to different people at different times.

This terrifying new tech was developed in America to help radio presenter Jamie Dupree, who lost his voice after a mystery illness. They used a bank of his old recordings to create a programmable AI Jamie. The experiment worked perfectly, and Jamie is now back full-time, filing reports and reading them out on air, despite not being able to speak.

James Cridland sees this technology developing into ‘personal radio’ – suggesting your radio presenter could break off from the top 100 to remind you of appointments or let you know when you need to leave for work.

And, of course, it could.

It could also switch on while you sleep and tell you to kill your parents.

It could tell your friends secrets about you while you’re on the toilet.

It could seduce you, convince you to leave your husband, and convince you to buy another radio that it then has an affair with.

This is how radio takes over. If a radio can speak, then it can kill.

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We’ve already got enough audio of Chris Moyles to create an AI version of him – so what need is there for actual human Chris Moyles? He’ll be in an unmarked grave within the week if this technology comes to fruition. Same goes for Grimmy.

Who’s to say it hasn’t started already? Christian O’Connell suddenly leaves Absolute and moves to Australia? Yeah, right. They killed him years ago, and only now have they run out of words for the AI OC ghost to say, so they’ve made up a country (Australia? Come on now!) and told you all he’s gone there instead. It’s the equivalent of your parents telling you your dog went to live on a farm.

Dave Berry is merely weeks from going the same way.

The future of radio is very exciting. It’s also the end of civilisation as we know it.

Have a great week!